Last Night I Banged a Librarian With an STD
By Regan Smith
Last night I banged a librarian with an STD. Her name was Trixie, which was not what I expected when I decided to bang a librarian. I was hoping for something a little more meek and innocent, possibly with some religious or pop-culture connotations, so that afterwards I could make a joke to my friends like "I just totally porked the Virgin out of that Mary!" or "My dick showed Adrienne its Eye of the Tiger all right!"
I took her to the Bull Moose Lounge for karaoke and jag bombs and arranged for us to sing "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes. She said that she was shy about singing songs she didn't know, so I pulled my antler stool up closer to her and asked "Oh really, what else are you shy about?" But she was in the middle of pounding her sixth shot and didn't hear me.
By the time we were called up on stage there were several runs in her tights and she had a little dribble of Jagermeister dried to her chin. I wiped off the dribble seductively and whispered "Why don't you let your hair down, baby?" She looked up at me with major drunky eyes and started to pull out a binder, but her short, frizzy hair was still held in place by a bunch of bobby pins with glitter on them, which she fumbled with for a minute until the music started playing and the host handed us our microphones.
I tried to get a read on what she might sound like in bed, taking special note of her pitch and vocal range and deciding whether her moans would be loud and passionate enough to convince the chick in 4A I was trying to bone of my awesome sex skills. But not knowing the song she quickly got lost and followed the lyrics on the screen haltingly through squinted eyes.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..." she sang. "Hey, hey, hey..."
Afterward when I had paid for the nine jag bombs and plate of chili fries she knocked out of the waitresses hand with the bathroom door, I took her back to my apartment and asked if she wanted to read from the collection of poems I had ripped out of my sister's old Cosmopolitans."Do you maybe have some reading glasses you'd like to put on?" I asked, and started to get excited when she began fumbling in her purse. But instead of glasses she pulled out a tube of red lipstick, which she smeared mostly on her lips before leaning over and trying to go down on me through my jeans.
We had sex for about four minutes, two of which she spent clawing my ass with her fake nails and slurring something about a guy named Dirk. Then she passed out and I went to the bathroom to dab antiseptic on my right butt cheek with a cotton ball.
This afternoon when I went to return some books Trixie pretended not to know who I was and handed me a return receipt without looking up. When I got out to my car I took the wadded piece of paper out of my pocket and smoothed it on the dashboard. On it were the words "sorry 4got to tell U i have gonurea" and a late fee for $2.25.
I Came to This Orgy to Honor My Pet Snake Tito
By John Jodzio