Alexis on the Sexes: Ex connection

ALEXIS MCKINNIS | Updated 8/17/2012

Great sex, bad guy: She can't let it go.

Q: I can't be the only one out there with this quandary: I had a highly sexual (awesome) four-month relationship with a man more than five years ago. I can't get him out of my head, even though we are incompatible on so many other levels. Oh, and he became kind of stalker-ish when I called things off. How many people have awesome sexual chemistry with someone they can't sustain a long-term relationship with and somehow can't forget, either? Incidentally, he hasn't forgotten me, either. I can tell from his attempts to text me, and some postings on Craigslist in the Missed Connections that were so obviously his. I think lots of people trolling the Missed Connections are in this same camp: remembering, wishing, but ultimately knowing it's a weird dynamic they can't go back to. Call me "Remembering Perfect Sexual Chemistry ... Someone Who Can't Forget the Guy Even Though He's Totally Wrong for Her and Kind of a Stalker"... LOL.


A: I have two beefs with the majority of posts on Missed Connections. First, to all those insecure lovers in apparently communication-free relationships: Do you really expect that writing an anonymous note in hopes that your partner sees it will spur them to reconsider their behavior and make right whatever wrong has been committed? Today I found a post leading with "Are you unhappy with our relationship? Do you want out?" and I quietly administered Last Rites on behalf of this couple. If you can't sit down and talk to your partner about the state of your union, there's no hope for it. Moreover, most Missed Connections are written by people who were too afraid to say hello in person. So that's it, you just give up? Because there's but a snowball's chance in hell that person is going to see your note and respond to it, so you might as well not waste five minutes describing an unspecific encounter in which you shared airspace with some hottie at Caribou. Let's muster up the nerve to actually communicate with each other in person, shall we?

Of course I'm not discounting the reason Missed Connections was created in the first place -- I picture a woman running after the 17 bus on Nicollet, locking eyes with a sexy stranger but never seeing him again. Nor am I discounting the reason it still exists: because we all read it. I'm just saying less of the wussy, I'm-afraid-of-real-life chaff would be nice. What you're talking about is a great use of the section, too. I hope your ex-lover uses lots of vivid descriptions in his posts, because that's what we Craigslist browsers really want to see, anyway. Sex!

So what do you do about an old lover you can't stop thinking about, even though the relationship would never work (and he's kind of creepy)? Ignore the texts and keep him tucked neatly away in your mental cache of masturbation visuals. You made it clear that the two of you were incompatible as partners in anything other than sex, so don't entertain the idea of reconnecting with him. You couldn't manage to be friends then; why would that be different now? You probably have enough friends anyway without having to worry about one of them backsliding into your bed and going all stalker on you again.

Your exes are your exes for a reason, despite the fact that pheromones practically shot out of your skin when he was around. (That's just nature showing you who to bang for the strongest, smartest babies, anyway.) Once in a great while, people from the past come back around to make amends and make our lives better, but most of the time they just want sex or money. Given your ex's apparent lack of grace and good behavior, it's better to let this sleeping dog lie.