Alexis on the Sexes: Balance due

ALEXIS MCKINNIS | Updated 8/17/2012

Her BF likes getting oral sex -- but not giving it.


Q: I have a great boyfriend. My problem? He loves blowjobs but doesn't reciprocate. It has been years, and that one time he barely tried it in the beginning, well, he didn't really do much down there. He's not a virgin, he has had other long-term girlfriends, and seems to have a clue otherwise. I will add this: My personal hygiene is impeccable so it's not me. I have tried to communicate my dismay, only to hear mutterings of "it's just not my thing." Do I completely stop with the blowjobs, if they are not reciprocated? I like to please him so have continued the blowjobs for now ... but they are starting to feel like an overdrawn checking account.

--NO MORE BJs

A: Before you kiss oral sex goodbye, allow me to offer a couple of reasons on your boyfriend's behalf as to why he may not be into it. With years of sexual experience, dozens of boyfriends and hundreds of bar stool conversations under my belt, I can confidently say that the No. 1 reason guys say they don't go down on girls is because they have little to no experience and are terrified of doing it wrong. People, we have got to clear this hurdle! Guys, don't be afraid to roll up your sleeves, go down there and just start licking things. Ladies, in order to groom these men (for the sake of womankind!), you must tell them when they're licking in all the right ways. The benefit of full and open communication during oral sex is twofold: First of all, you're getting head, which is awesome. Second, you're creating confidence in the other person, which makes him want to keep doing the good deed. It's human nature to take pride in doing the things we know we do well. Would you want to keep slogging away at something if you never got any sort of feedback or encouragement? No, of course not.

The other reason dudes (and chicks) might not be into oral sex is some deep-rooted crap that makes them feel ashamed of seeing, touching or tasting other people's genitalia, as well as their own. This is a topic for another column, though, as your boyfriend clearly has no problem getting head from you, only giving it in return.

Just because he's had girlfriends in the past doesn't mean he logged years of experience going down on them. We girls can be pretty dumb sometimes, putting up with deficient boyfriends for far longer than they deserve. You could very well be the most recent girlfriend in a string of girlfriends who finally had to put her foot down about the sad state of your sexual affairs. Have you been crystal clear as to your expectations? If you've been together for years, then it should not be difficult to be direct. It also shouldn't be tough to express your delight if and when he finally does get down to business. A little encouragement goes a long way when someone's taking a crack at something but they're not so sure they're doing it right. (Have I expressed this enough yet?)

His excuse is that it's not his thing, but doesn't he care that it's yours? Both cunnilingus and fellatio are totally reasonable expectations in a relationship. It'd be a different story if he asked you to don a gorilla mask and diaper before whipping him with a rawhide, but this is basic, everyday couple stuff. Holding out on blowing him will create resentment every time you have sex; a better solution is to abstain from sex completely until you've worked this out. If he refuses to compromise, ask him how he feels about your whole sexual needs being met by someone else, safely and discreetly outside of your relationship. If it's still a no-go, I suggest you kick him to the curb, find yourself someone born around the 4th of July -- Cancer boys are notoriously, passionately oral -- and indulge yourself in all that you've been missing.