Alexis on the Sexes: Love shack

Q: Since my long-distance boyfriend moved in with me, we have sex less often than we did when we saw each other every other month. It used to be hot and urgent, now we just can't be bothered. How can we save us?

-NV

A: Short of throwing his clothes on the lawn and telling him to move back home, there's really nothing that can replace that sensation of smashing into a body that your body's been craving for the last four weeks. You moved in together and ruined all that (sorry!). All hope is not lost for your sex life, though, so ask yourselves the following questions and see if you can't at least start screwing on the regular.

Are you worrying too much about not doing it enough? Sex isn't the biggest indicator of whether or not your relationship is strong enough to last, so don't pull your hair out over a lull in your sex life. If everything else is great and you couldn't be happier about shacking up with your man, then this is not doomed. Realize that sex within normal couples is peaks and valleys, and relax.

You love each other, but do you ever get a chance to miss each other? This may feel like the perfect time to nest and settle into your new home together, but that could be a big part of the problem. Spending time apart is key to making cohabitation work. Have dinner a couple nights a week with friends rather than your boyfriend. Take your nieces and nephews to the waterpark, take up indoor climbing, volunteer at your local animal shelter. Have a life outside of your relationship. You used to hump like rabbits every time you saw each other because you rarely saw each other. Make yourselves busy.

Is he perfectly content in his new surroundings? He didn't just relocate to be closer to you, he moved right in with you. Even if he swears he loves you more than anything on this planet, a small part of him could feel like he sacrificed his independence. Any subconscious resentment on your boyfriend's part could be hindering his feelings of lust for you. Have an honest discussion about whether you may have moved too fast. Maybe separate apartments are better for now.

Is your sex life too regimented? Don't relegate sex to the bedroom at bedtime; it deserves better than that. Even the hottest and heaviest banging gets boring after a while if you keep doing it in the same place at the same time. I'm a big proponent of car sex, yard sex, stairwell sex, porch sex, rooftop sex, playground-after-dark sex -- hell, anywhere but where you did it the last time. Trying to initiate sex at bedtime can be frustrating when one or both of you is too tired to get into it. Also, explore the wonderful world of just fooling around. A kiss-pinch-squeeze sesh once a day will be that much more enjoyable when there's no pressure of performing the grand finale.

Did you become too familiar too fast? One huge mistake couples make once they live together is erasing the mystery of romance. Leaving the bathroom door open while peeing, walking around the house naked in broad daylight or sharing deodorant and shampoo are all examples of buddy-like habits that should stop immediately. He's your boyfriend, not your best friend from summer camp. Closeness is important, but too much closeness can zap the lust from a relationship faster than you can say, "Please get that thing out of my face."

• Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!