Q: I'm 20 and have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I basically discovered my sexuality through him, and he's the only person I've had sex with. I can always orgasm when he touches me and he's very good at oral sex, but I've never been able to have an orgasm during intercourse. We've tried him on top, me on top, the CAT technique, from behind, and other supposed "tricks." I can usually come when I use a vibrator during sex, but it takes a really long time and sometimes I can't feel anything! I've also been trying to find my G-spot, but it remains elusive. This is frustrating for me, and I'm trying to remain positive and enjoy what we know works, but I want to experience more!
A: Do you hear that cacophony? It's the sound of countless women wondering aloud, "She can orgasm from both oral and manual, as well as with a vibrator during sex, so what the hell is she complaining about?" I'll add: And you're only 20! Plenty of women don't have their first orgasm until 25, 30 or even 40. Orgasms during sex are rarer than you might think: Seventy to 75 percent of women just don't come during intercourse, even when the clitoris is attended to. Around the same percentage don't always experience pleasure during G-spot stimulation.
The CAT, or Coital Alignment Technique, is essentially the missionary position with two significant variations. First, the man lifts his body upward slightly, so that the base of his erect penis is up against his partner's clitoris. He should be in a downward salute, barely penetrating her. Then, instead of the usual in and out motion, both partners create a rhythm of rocking back and forth, keeping constant pressure on the clitoris until she orgasms. Since the CAT employs counterintuitive motions, it can require a bit of patience at first, but many women swear by it.
The most important element to reaching orgasm is to make sure you're physically and psychologically turned on. When you're getting oral, you're likely entertaining a fantasy in your head. Sure, you're focused on the rhythm and pressure of his tongue on your clit, but there's some private scenario playing out behind your closed eyes that helps push you over the edge into ecstasy. Penetrative sex requires you to be more present. That sticky fantasy involving a very oral three-way with your personal trainer and his best friend takes a backseat to the here and now.
It's unlikely I could suggest a new position for you to try, but I will suggest the two of you start exploring your fantasies. Would he blindfold you and pretend to be someone else? Let him handcuff you and tease your body until you're on the brink of orgasm, then use the CAT position to climax. Whatever your body does during oral sex and masturbation, mimic it during intercourse. Clench every muscle from your belly button to your ankles, squeeze your nipples till they turn red, whatever you have to do. Alcohol inhibits orgasm, so lay off the booze. But some occasional smokers of the green stuff swear by its ability to lift inhibition during sex, as well as contribute to longer, more intense orgasms.
Intimacy evolves over time. The longer you're with your boyfriend, the more layered your sex life will become. Considering your healthy attitude about sex and your ability to climax a multitude of ways already, the odds of coming effortlessly during sex are in your favor. For now, keep exploring your body and fantasies. Those "tricks" you've tried may not work now, but one of them might pleasantly surprise you one day.