Alexis on the sexes: Do not enter

Q: My girlfriend and I want to have sex but are having a lot of difficulty "getting it in" because it doesn't seem to "fit." I am experienced at sex and have never had this issue because I've never slept with a virgin. My girl is a 24-year old virgin due to the religious and cultural pressures of Islam. Is it more difficult to enter her because she's an older virgin? Do you have any advice on how to get past this vaginal barrier and enter her so we can enjoy sex? So far, anytime we try to get past the base of her vagina, she says it hurts her.

A: A woman's age has nothing to do with the accessibility of her vagina, regardless of whether she's had sex. The only factor that contributes to a feeling of tightness is the group of muscles surrounding her vagina and anus. When these muscles are flexed (voluntarily or involuntarily), the area tenses up and penetration is painful. Your girlfriend is likely experiencing an involuntary flexing of this muscle group, which explains your inability to get past her vaginal opening. (Since you're wondering: Your size is irrelevant, too. Your dick could put porn star James Deen to shame but it's got nothing on a newborn, which vaginas are designed to accommodate.)

The technical term for what your girlfriend is experiencing is vaginismus -- a sudden, involuntary tightening of the muscles surrounding the vagina. So what's up with this roadblock? The culprit is essentially fear. Whether it's a fear of pain, of doing something "dirty" or of unearthing traumatic memories (such as childhood molestation), the emotion is so strong that it triggers the body to actually create a physical barrier. Given your girlfriend's religious upbringing, maybe there's a small part of her that feels premarital sex may be an immoral act. Despite how eager she may be to lose her virginity, she may still believe she's breaking a promise to God.

Consider why she might be compromising her morals for your relationship. Have you said anything to make her feel inadequate because you're more sexually experienced? Is she afraid you'll break up with her if you don't have sex? If you do have sex, does she worry you'll no longer respect her? Her physical response has a psychological root, so deal with it delicately. Reassure her that you're willing to wait as long as it takes, until she's no longer afraid of the idea of sex. She may never be comfortable with doing it before marriage; let her know you're OK with that.

Putting your penis in her vagina should not be the goal when you get naked together. Instead, focus on the intimate pleasures of massage, masturbation and oral stimulation. When your girlfriend decides she's ready to try intercourse again, make sure she has at least one orgasm first. The vaginal muscles relax significantly after climaxing and she'll be more lubricated. Slick up your fingertip with some water-based lube, and using one finger, experiment with slipping in and out or just holding still. Graduate to two fingers while you lap at her clit, nipples or wherever she directs you. Rub some of that lube onto your tip and shaft and start with her straddling you, up on her knees. This gives her all the control over penetration, and puts you in a more relaxing position where you're less likely to start thrusting impulsively. Deep breaths will help soothe you both, as will taking things nice and slow.

Sex is a natural, euphoric experience between willing partners. If she feels anxiety and pain instead of buzz and bliss, then she's not ready for it yet. She has to be completely emotionally OK with it, and until that happens, everyone's going to have to exercise some patience.

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