Alexis on the Sexes: More kinkier

Updated 1/10/2013

Spice-craving girlfriend has a vanilla fella.

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is cute and charming, and all my friends think he's great. He gets hit on constantly by other women (even when we're out together), but he's good to me and I know I have his heart. The problem? I'm bored with our sex life. We have been trying new things in bed lately, like anal sex and him tying my wrists together during that, but these things are new to him and not to me. He doesn't care that I'm more experienced (I've had a long-term boyfriend, he has never had a long-term girlfriend) and it's clear he's just happy to be having sex with me. It feels like he's just not into the more exotic things, like he doesn't want to "hurt" me when tying me up or degrade me when we're having anal sex. I want him to degrade me! How can I take our sex life to the next level without making it sound like I'm bored with how it is now?

A: I hate to do it, because every couple's problems are unique, but in this case I must. Your problem can be distilled down to the No. 1 sexual complaint of every couple out there that's complaining: You don't communicate what you want in bed, so you're getting exactly what you ask for. How's a guy supposed to know that you want him to pee on you in the shower or pull you around by your hair if you don't tell him? He needs to know these things, and he needs to know them now before you throw away a perfectly good relationship because you couldn't talk about sex.

You're not going to hurt your boyfriend's feelings by telling him you want to be more adventurous in bed, as long as you don't try to blame your boredom on him. At the two-year mark, you guys have likely established what your boyfriend considers a comfortable rhythm when it comes to sex; you have it a few times a week, everybody orgasms and everybody's happy. Since your boyfriend isn't as experienced as you are, he might not realize that there's a lot more to pleasure than just deep penetration or a good blowjob. You've got to show him there's more to sex than carnal pleasure; you like a good mind-effing while you're at it.

I'm normally a proponent of addressing sexual problems anytime other than while you're having sex, but I'm going to switch gears slightly in your case. Instead of bringing up suggestions before you hop into bed, use positive reinforcement during and after the fact. Take the initiative and introduce a little more kink during your next sex session, and praise him for it not just while it's happening, but afterward. You may have been the one to pull his pocket missile out of your mouth and aim it square at your face just before he explodes, but if you give him credit for the facial while simultaneously saying how much you liked it, you'll boost his confidence and make him feel less like a creep. If post-coital pillow talk isn't your thing, try sending it in a text the next day. "It was so hot when you _____ your _____ in my _____ that it's all I can think about today. I can't wait to _____ your _____ tonight." Fill in the blanks accordingly, and I bet your boyfriend will spend the afternoon entertaining other scenarios that involve completely ruining your eye makeup and ensuring you won't be wearing a low-back dress for a while.

If he's the educated type, remind him that the word "carnal" comes from the Latin "carnalis," which means skin and blood. As in, "I want to see rope burns on the skin around my wrists and ankles from being hogtied, and feel free to bite my lips until you see blood. Love you!"