RNC '08: Hooking up with comely conservatives

CHRISTY DESMITH | Updated 8/17/2012


HOW TO GET TO THIRD BASE WITH A SOCIAL CONSERVATIVE

Research studies indicate that socially conservative people tend to be more concerned with personal characteristics, such as a potential mate's religious beliefs and perceived suitability as a parent, whereas their liberal counterparts are attracted to good looks, wit and social status.

If a lady's fixing to get far with a social conservative, she ought not fear that staple of her wardrobe, the low-cut shirt -- just so long as she's willing to accessorize with a crucifix. Also note that conservative women are famous for plastering on their makeup like trollops, so apply liberally! If she's after a family man, she might consider tying a red, white and blue cardigan around her waist -- this preserves modesty and boasts love of country while accentuating those birthing hips. Once she's comfortable, she should refer to her love interest as "Boy Scout."

A fellow's job is considerably easier -- most single conservative women-of-a-certain-age are so panicked about impending spinsterhood, they'll pet pretty much anything.

HOW TO GET A FISCAL CONSERVATIVE TO BUY YOU A DRINK

You can already taste that complimentary cocktail, but on the face of things, you're not one for handouts. In conversation, just use the term "common sense" when discussing personal finances. To add local flavor, try the word "euphorian" in a sentence -- it's the favorite put-down of local conservative talk-show host Joe Soucheray, and works famously when disparaging all the other leeches and party-crashers who, like you, feel entitled to free drinks.

GUIDE TO TAXATION IN MINNESOTA (IT MAKES A GREAT ICEBREAKER!)

  • Gas: $.22/gallon
  • Cigarettes: $1.49/pack
  • Spirits: $5.03/gallon
  • Beer: $.30/gallon
  • Wine: $.15/gallon
  • Sales taxes: 6.5 percent statewide, 7.25 percent in St. Paul, 7.4 percent in Minneapolis. But there's a bright spot: No tax on "necessities," such as clothing and foods with even modest nutritional value.
  • Income taxes: Relatively high, with brackets anywhere between 5.25 and 7.85 percent.
  • Property taxes: Impossible to encapsulate. Minnesota has one of the nation's most complicated property tax systems. It collects at both the state and local levels, with more than 20 classifications of property types.

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