Alexis on the Sexes: Learn the A-B-D's

Q: I met a hot woman online who lives in Atlanta. She's about 10 years younger than me and is coming to the Twin Cities next month for six weeks of job training, and to check out the city. So, I offered to show her around. But when I asked her to drop some hints about what she'd like to do while here, she wrote back, "Hints? Anything involving nudity, BDSM and video. Am I joking? Perhaps."

First of all: Yikes!! Second of all, WHAT DO I DO? How do I handle this, with little experience in bondage? And thirdly, should I be wary of somebody who so openly advertises all this to an older man she's never met?

A: In general, sex for the first time between two people requires trust that the people involved aren't going to harm one another, just because of sex's inherent element of exposure. You're naked, for one, but you're also in a private space with a person you might not know very well. BDSM sex requires an even higher level of trust because of its potential for both physical and emotional vulnerability. Let's not forget that the B in BDSM stands for "bondage," and the mobility-prohibitive practice of being tied to a large stable object (such as a bed or breaking wheel) is pretty much the definition of vulnerable.

A woman wanting to engage in BDSM with a complete stranger could be a danger to your safety simply because, if she's serious, she might not give a hoot about her own. So you're right to be wary. But because even dabbling in BDSM is far from child's play, I suspect she's either joking or just starting to experiment with the lifestyle.

Assuming it's the latter, use the next month to figure out just where she wants to take this curiosity. Step up your nightly Google chats with some sex talk, and don't be afraid to be direct. Ask her something like, "If I told you to go shopping tomorrow and buy a red corset, garter belt and stockings, what would you do?" If she says she'd obey, she probably wants you to dominate her. If she tells you she doesn't take orders from any man, she's dying to dominate you. If she says she doesn't need any of that because she routinely travels with two full-body latex suits, a bullwhip and a spanking paddle with interchangeable heads, then brace yourself for six weeks of wrist rope burns and a sore ass.

Since time is on your side, continue to probe her via your preferred method of after-hours communication, asking about likes and dislikes as they relate to the kink. Is she into blindfolds and gags? Does she like a little pain? Where does she like it? Is a little costuming in the cards or is that strictly a rainy day activity?

If you need some inspiration, pick up a copy of Mark Pritchard's "How I Adore You." It's a collection of erotic short stories that mostly focuses on different degrees of BDSM. The first story, "Pretend," is so tastefully salacious that you won't need much more to inspire you, though you probably won't want to put the book down until you hit the back cover. Once this hot woman finally does show up at your door, you'll know whether to have stocked your bedroom with furry pink handcuffs or electric nipple clamps (yeah, that's right) and, more important, who's going to be wearing them.

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• ASK ALEXIS: Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating or relationships. Send it to advice@vita.mn, and don't leave out the juicy details.