Alexis on the Sexes: Radar Love

Updated 11/29/2012

She can't tell if he's just not that into her.

Q: I've been hanging out with this super nice guy lately and I'm having difficulty determining if he's just shy or just not interested. If you want the background, I think I drunkenly gave him my phone number and he invited me out while I was out of town. Since I've been back, we have gotten stupid drunk (he slept over, but we only made out), we've had beers after work and I've hung out at his house.

Since the makeout/sleepover night, it seems like he's become somewhat shy, still interested in hanging out, but not so romantically. Is there a way to ask that other than the obvious, "Are you interested?"

A: If he was interested in you, you'd know it. He would go out of his way to try and spend time with you, he would text cutesy inside jokes to you when you're not around and he would most certainly be putting the moves on you when you're hanging out at his house.

The worst part about dating guys that aren't into you is that you're not actually dating, and everyone seems to realize it but you. You focus on little things that you think form a bond while ignoring the more obvious signs that he probably spends more time wondering if he should spring for NFL Sunday Ticket than he does thinking about you. Don't fool yourself into seeing things that aren't there. It's not all that remarkable that you both love eating grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup and watching Will Ferrell movies. Pull back from the situation and start looking for signs that he's not interested. Does he go days without calling or texting you? (Facebook commenting doesn't count.) Does he take the initiative and ask you to hang out, or is it vice versa? If it's 8 p.m. on a Friday and he sends a text asking if you want to go see a movie, you can bet you were the last of the exhausted options for the night.

While men are generally not as outwardly emotive as women, it's still pretty obvious when they're interested in someone, especially if that someone is you. They offer to take you out for dinner, they introduce you to their friends, they take the time to make plans with you in advance. A gentleman with romantic intentions does not invite a lady over to his house to drink beer and hang out. You've been branded by the invisible "friend" iron (yes, guys get to do that, too). He likes you, but he doesn't L-I-K-E you.

Now, don't rack your brain trying to figure out where things went wrong. One minute we're attracted to someone, and the next we're not. It's weird and frustrating and something every one of us has experienced since our hormones started raging in eighth grade. We ladies have all dated that seemingly perfect guy but, after a month or two, he totally ceased to make the stomach butterflies dance. In fact, he was kind of plain. He chewed with his mouth open. Oh, and he did the same moves in bed, in the same sequence, every time. I'm not saying that you're boring or have bad table manners, just that there isn't much chemistry here, even if this guy seemed interested in the beginning.

Your best bet for backtracking to that stage when he might have been interested is to not call him for a while. Next time he invites you out for drinks, tell him you have plans but you'll catch him next time. Go out on dates, have fun. If this guy gets to thinking he's missing the boat, he'll let you know. He'll call on Tuesday to ask you out for dinner on Saturday. If he doesn't, don't be too bummed. You can still choose to be his friend, and those are always better than sloppy, apathetic makeout sleepovers.