Q: Regarding your recent column “Oral Argument” (Feb. 21): I’m a dude with the opposite problem. I go down on my wife often, but she doesn’t let me orgasm in her mouth. Once when I bought her her first toy, we stayed in bed the whole weekend, watching porn, drinking beer and having sex. She gave unbelievable, swallowing head all weekend. It was awesome! It was the first time she did that, but never since. She’ll go most of the way but won’t let me do as I do for her.
I believe that she was sexually abused as a child. It was two people (asshole adult males) whom I know for sure. Perhaps that’s why she’s not into giving oral.
Recently I got her to orally please me almost all the way, but she wouldn’t swallow. I told her she could spit it on my stomach or the floor, but she held it in her mouth until I got a towel. Therefore I don’t think she doesn’t like the taste. A woman who knows how to give good head and swallow is something to be treasured. What kills me is that she will, on extra-rare occasions, take the load. Swallowing isn’t the problem; just letting me come in her mouth is a huge problem for her, however. It’s very important to my pleasure.
How do I get her to give quid pro quo? We talk about everything. Yes, even that, but I still can’t persuade her. WTF do I do?
A: You think your wife’s refusal to perform fellatio to completion is because of serious emotional trauma, yet you expect her to get over it just so you can blow a load in her mouth? You leave that alone is what you do.
Consider the victim’s perspective for a moment. One of the many awful things about being molested by someone you trust is the way it manifests in your adult relationships. Having a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse now presents a new problem: being able to satisfy your partner sexually without feeling obligated to do so. For victims of molestation, just being in a serious relationship can create feelings of being trapped, like being a cornered kid who can’t defend him/herself against abuse. Having a partner who begs for a particularly traumatic sex act can trigger additional feelings of anxiety and guilt. To you, it’s just a blow job with a cherry on top. To your wife, it’s an emotional hell ride of fear and shame. Does that sound like a friendly compromise?
Some survivors of childhood sexual abuse turn to pills or booze to cope with the horrors of the past, and many suffer from severe depression. While your wife may not be drunk, high or depressed all or any of the time, it is telling that your one weekend of endless hummers involved drinking and porn. It’s a lot easier to dull the pain of past molestation after you’ve had a few, and porn is a great fantasyland where we can pretend to be the beautiful, libidinous people on the screen.
In the absence of the molestation, I would tell you to suggest another weekend of debauchery, but I won’t do that. Your wife has obviously already dealt with the abuse to some degree because the two of you have what sounds like a normal, healthy sex life. You think it’s missing one thing; your wife disagrees for understandable reasons. If she wishes to exorcise any emotional demons that still reside in her, then that’s her call. She can decide if it’s necessary to bring that stuff back up to the surface, as well as how and when to do it.
Right now, you’re getting blow jobs and you’re getting off, and it sounds like your wife is satisfied as well. Outside of your apparent insensitivity regarding her post-traumatic stress, I don’t see the problem.