Alexis on the Sexes: Send regrets

ALEXIS MCKINNIS , | Updated 6/26/2013

What not to do when writing your crush.

Q: A few weeks ago, an artist who I respect and love came to town and played at a local club. After a few glasses of wine, I got the guts to ask him and his band to hang out after his show. He agreed, and we ended up chatting and drinking into the wee hours of the night. Afterward, I sent him a Facebook message thanking him for coming out, and we’ve been chatting ever since. Unfortunately, after drinking a bit this weekend, I sent him a message I’m embarrassed about. I deleted it immediately (so I wouldn’t obsess, but clearly that didn’t stop me), but it was along the lines of, “I hope I haven’t blurred the line between fan and friend; look me up next time you’re in town.” Only more drunk and emotional. Ugh! The message didn’t say anything too explicit or ridiculous, but I need some closure on the situation, and don’t know how to get it. Do I apologize for sending the message, pretend it never happened and continue conversing, or just let the whole situation lie?


A: Do your best to forget you ever sent the message. There’s no point in obsessing over something you don’t remember, and it sounds like your message was pretty innocuous. Virtually everyone understands the concept of liquid courage. I’m guessing the message you sent was time-stamped after 2 a.m.? That mark is universally understood to mean, “I was out drinking, so I had the guts to tell you I like you, but I may have said a little more than I would have sober.” We all do it, and all is usually forgiven and forgotten the next day.

As far as I can tell, you managed to avoid all of the big no-nos when it comes to drunk texting or Facebook messaging a crush. If you need a refresher, here they are:

Don’t reveal your mad crush, repeatedly. It’s one thing to let him know he can crash at your pad next time. It’s quite another to gush ad nauseum about his soul-squeezing voice serenading your dreams at night. Do you see the distinction?

Don’t follow up with desperate, lingering messages. “Hello?,” “?????” and “asshole” are only acceptable when text-fighting with your boyfriend of two years, and sometimes not even then.

Don’t attach a naked pic. As a precursor to makeup sex after a fight with your boyfriend of two years, yes, this is fine. But this has no place when you’re just getting to know someone you actually like and respect.

Don’t give an apologetic explanation of what a messy, emotional spaz you can be when you drink. This is the text equivalent of a Stage Five Clinger who sobs and throws glassware after she’s had a few.

If you think you sent a friendly (albeit soused) message, free of the above faux pas, then you have nothing to worry about. Resume normal communication as you were before, and don’t worry about getting cheeky again next time you drink. There are worse things than telling someone you like that you like them. The amount of one-on-one time you’d actually get to spend with a guy from out of town who’s in a band that tours nationally is … almost none. Flirt over Facebook as much as you want — without committing any of the above hot-mess crimes — and see what happens. He’ll probably look you up next time, and maybe things will get romantic. At the very least, you’ll get to chill in the green room and drink free Coronas with one of your favorite bands, which isn’t a bad consolation prize.

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