Alexis on the Sexes: Happy ending

ALEXIS MCKINNIS , Vita.mn | Updated 7/23/2013

Men on mud wrestling and “massage.”

Q: I thoroughly enjoy the spectator sport of mud wrestling, particularly the videos on the Internet. I become enthralled with the contestants. They hold the grace of ballerinas, the faces of cover girls and the agility of gymnasts, and are as playful as monkeys, with the stamina of mountain goats. Nevertheless, my lady friends think I’m a pervert because of my fascination with this sport. Our species has been on earth maybe 200,000 years. Only since the late Neolithic era have we seen women tending to beauty aids. They were hunters, gatherers and family leaders. As I watch mud wrestling, I see women in their “natural” state. Suggest some nugget of knowledge that might help justify my “perversion” to my friends. Please don’t tell me I’m crazy.

 

A: Here I thought the “sport” of two women getting paid to writhe all over each other while progressively tearing their clothes off down to the thong for the enjoyment of male spectators had gone the way of the landline. As it turns out, this version of the sexual objectification of women by men — specifically those men with the so-called “wet and messy” fetish — perseveres. I just found a ton of mud-wrestling videos on YouTube, punctuated with hundreds of comments from horny men who were no doubt getting ready to fwap one out.

You’re not crazy, you’re just a dude who enjoys watching muddy, topless women touch each other. By the way, you may want to refrain from vocalizing your comparisons of these ladies to goats and monkeys. Not very flattering.

 

Q: I recently went to a massage parlor looking for a nice massage and a happy ending, and was obliged. I was wondering what the possibility of contracting a STD is? Are there any other risks besides the obvious fact of it being illegal?

 

A: You can go ahead and rule out the worst risk of all: HIV. That virus is transmitted inside the body. Blood, semen, breast milk, vaginal fluid or rectal fluid — new band name?— must come into contact with a mucous membrane in order for transmission to occur. Mucous membranes are inside the body; the vagina, rectum, interior of the mouth and opening of the penis are all mucous membranes.

HIV survives outside the body for an extremely short time, so even if your masseuse hocked a loogie on her hand to lube you up, the risk of transmission is still pretty slim. Also, HIV cannot be spread via hand-to-hand contact, and what’s an old-fashioned if not just a sexy handshake?

Regarding other STDs, your main concerns are those that can be transmitted via infected fluid or skin flakes — better band name — touching your genital area. If your masseuse was infected with syphilis, herpes, HPV or molluscum contagiosum — best band name!—she would have had to first touch her vulva or vagina before putting her hands on your penis in order to pass it along. Assuming you got a nice head-to-toe rubdown, then simply flipped over for the boner finale, your risk of contracting anything is very low.

Yes, happy endings are illegal. No reputable, licensed massage therapist would tolerate your request for one, and you’d probably end up ass-to-curb just mentioning it at a professional massage therapy center. I don’t know what establishment you’re patronizing, but please stay discreet about where and when you get your handys and continue to do it safely.

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