Alexis on the Sexes: Yes, mistress

ALEXIS MCKINNIS , | Updated 10/16/2013

What’s involved in being a dominatrix?

Q: I’m engaging in a pretty hot and heavy back-and-forth with a very handsome, submissive banker who wants to be my slave. I feel like I’ve finally found what I’m looking for and am considering this whole dominatrix thing, as in going into the business in general. Any good reading on the topic that you know of? Or do you have any tips on how to go about becoming a dominatrix?


A: “The Mistress Manual” by Mistress Lorelei is a classic in its genre, if books on becoming a dominatrix constitute a genre. You can order it on, either in paperback form or for your Kindle. She’s written a couple of other books too, which you can check out on her website

There is more to it than reading a book, so before you head to the nearest latex store for catsuits and knee boots, consider what the profession truly entails. First of all, you won’t be good at dominating another person unless you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Have you ever been a partner’s true submissive, consenting to bondage, gagging, whipping and verbal abuse? Your clients willingly pay someone to receive such treatment. You will understand why they do it if you’ve experienced the scope of it.

Being a dominatrix means you also fully comprehend the vulnerability of the situation. You’re effectively creating a complete power exchange. You are stripping a human being of their autonomy, dignity and free will — and physically abusing them on top of it. The financial transaction that happens is less about providing these services than it is about ensuring your client’s safety while chained to your dungeon floor. You’re also being paid to protect their privacy. Your client doesn’t want their kids to know they pay women to pee on them any more than you want your mom to find out you’re doing the peeing.

As a dominatrix, you’re a sex worker, a therapist and a boot-camp drill sergeant. You’re also a prostitute, a sex offender or a newspaper headline, depending on where you live and whether local law enforcement thinks what you’re doing is illegal. Remember Kristal Taylor, the woman whose name and mugshot dominated local news after police spent numerous hours and public dollars conducting pointless surveillance of her Stillwater home? She offered perfectly legal dominatrix and fetish services, but was still subject to public scrutiny (and probably had some explaining to do to family members) because she made for a salacious headline. Understand the risks to this profession.

Using the services of a dominatrix is not always about arousal. It can be cathartic, like a tough workout or a good cry, for some. For others, it’s proof of how much pain they can handle, kind of like “Fight Club” (come to think of it, running a dominatrix business would be a good subplot for a Chuck Palahniuk novel). Then, of course, there are the clients who will have a throbbing erection the entire time they’re being paddled over your knee and rub one out as soon as they get in their cars. Your clients will be old, young, fat, skinny, male, female, single or married with partner in tow. Everybody needs a good ass-kicking once in a while. If you can provide said ass-kicking while maintaining privacy, poise and professionalism in a safe environment, then I say go for it.

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