Alexis on the Sexes: Vanilla twist

ALEXIS MCKINNIS , Vita.mn | Updated 10/23/2013

Can you ever come back from kink?

Q: For two years I was involved with “The Lifestyle” and experienced some of my fantasies brought into reality. It was bliss. I met a “rock star” who had this amazing long-term relationship with an ex-girlfriend. For months we had an incredibly delicious three-way romp of crazy sex … bondage, pigtails and much fun. Then I met an incredibly sexy man and the four of us had “Moby sex.” It was the most mind-blowing off-the-charts sexual encounter of my life! From there, the sex was like a drug. I fell hard for this new guy.

He moved to another state, which broke my heart. He asked me to marry him. Then he totally went bonkers and it has taken more than a year to come to grips with the fact that he is too mentally unstable to commit to me. I want to be free from all of it now. I am confused about going back to vanilla after having so much “twist.” Will I be able to be satisfied in a relationship now that I have opened Pandora’s Box? I want a serious relationship with a man who will be my best friend and lover. I had it, and now he is gone. How do I go back to where I was? I just feel so empty and want love back in my life again.

 

A: In the interest of experiencing my very own mind-blowing, off-the-charts sexual encounter of a lifetime, I googled “Moby sex,” to no avail. What is this mysterious practice? Please, for the sake of science, I’ll need you to expand on that whenever you write me again.

Kinked-up sex is exactly like a drug: It alters your mind state when you’re doing it and you crave it once it’s gone. You may never want to go back to vanilla sex again, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Bound, gagged and red-bottomed encounters among consenting adults put a smile on everyone’s face and make the world a better place. Sites like Bondage.com aren’t just for one-off trysts. Plenty of members, like you, got a taste of the Lifestyle and don’t wanna go back, but also seek a true partner to share it with. Even if your next man doesn’t know a cock harness from a cat o’ nine tails, I’m sure he’ll be willing to learn. You’re clearly very open-minded, so the likelihood that you would choose a rigid, non-compromising person is pretty slim. When it comes time to hit the Sportsheets, introduce things slowly and without pressure. I’m sure you remember how intimidating it all seemed at first. Remember that vulnerability when expressing your kink desires to your next partner.

Before you consider another relationship, consider that your ex-boyfriend’s mental issues could be contributing to your confusion about moving on. Having dated a few wackos myself, I know that you can find yourself still bobbing in the wake of an emotionally draining relationship well after its end. Sex has a powerful capacity to complicate emotions. Factor in one partner with psychological issues, and the other partner can become subject to emotional manipulation. Kinky sex of the sub/dom variety requires a high level of trust that the other person isn’t going to cause harm to you, either physically or mentally. Some people can twist that trust and make you believe that nothing is or will ever be as good as the bond you share.

That’s a lie. You are fully capable of having blissful, fulfilling relationships (that may or may not involve bullwhips and blindfolds) until the day you drop dead. If that seems unfathomable right now, then it’s not the right time. Pull yourself out of the wake, dry yourself off and bask in the sunshine that is you for a while before you take another dip.

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Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously here. Don’t leave out the juicy details!