ALEXIS MCKINNIS , | Updated 11/26/2013

Demand better foreplay from your fella.

Q: The guy I’ve been dating sucks at foreplay. We have had sex a handful of times, but it either comes too soon (i.e. without foreplay) or comes after what passes for foreplay to him but does not count in my book (or probably any woman’s book). First of all, it’s too brief. MAYBE 10 minutes before he’s getting into position. If I’m not wet enough yet, he’ll use his saliva for lubrication. His foreplay routine basically consists of some kissing which is good, some nipple pinching which is OK but not great, and usually some finger banging, which is … confused? When I gently told him to stop that, he just kind of laughed it off like he’d never heard a girl ask him to stop it before. The sex is promising; he does take his time there. Maybe he’s “saving it up” to make sure he can perform? I guess my question is, how can a guy who has had probably a decade of sexual experience be so clueless when it comes to foreplay? Women need that!


A: Unless you’re positive that he’s been sexually active with multiple partners over the past 10 years, you’re giving your new guy too much credit in the experience department. It sounds to me like he hasn’t left the driveway, let alone been around the block a few times. Some guys aren’t sexually active until well into their 20s; certain cultural or religious upbringings spin sexuality as something to be hidden, so these late bloomers jump into the dating game without having learned the birds and bees. Other dudes just mature physically a little later than their peers; they’re less interested in sex until then, or are simply less interesting to the opposite sex.

You could nonchalantly leave a copy of this on your guy’s passenger seat the next time he drops you off but, given his apparent inability to take hints, you’ll have to use a more direct approach. First things first: There is no free admission to your tunnel of love. Stop having intercourse before you’re sufficiently aroused! Physically, it just doesn’t feel very good (and can cause little tears in the vaginal wall) but it also makes sex less stimulating mentally. Personally, I like to be present for my own sexual experiences because that tends to result in a series of involuntary muscle contractions throughout the pelvic region at intervals of eight-tenths of a second. Foreplay not only excites the body’s erogenous zones, it focuses the brain on the task at hand. Orgasm is all but mythos if you’re not into it.

You also need to let dude know that foreplay should last longer than intercourse, period. The more time spent kissing, groping, licking and blowing, the better. That buildup sequence is necessary for all those big, explosive orgasms you’re not having right now. It works both ways, too, so tell him you want to touch and tease each other until you can’t take it anymore, then have mind-blowing sex until you can’t see straight. Even urgent elevator quickies follow some form of foreplay, whether it’s a chain of naughty texts or some expert thigh-rubbing under the dinner table.

Now, lest I be accused of misandry, I should point out that your new man’s cluelessness in the bedroom may not be his fault. Some guys are unlucky enough to have had a past girlfriend, or a string of past girlfriends, who faked it. They panted and moaned in bed, then masturbated silently on the bathroom floor. They never spoke up and said what felt good, thereby doing a disservice to womankind. We can’t shun them, but we can blame them. Don’t be a faker girl — speak up and set this guy straight. It might not just be your sex life that depends on it.

Ask Alexis
Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to [email protected] or submit anonymously here. Don’t leave out the juicy details!