Alexis on the Sexes: B.J. who?

ALEXIS MCKINNIS , | Updated 1/29/2014

Girlfriend won’t do oral. Is an escort OK?

Q: My girlfriend doesn’t like giving head. In the 3.5 years we’ve been together, I’ve received three BJs. I’ve tried talking about it with her, but she doesn’t have much to say and I find myself in the dark on the issue. I keep myself clean and consider myself generous when it comes to satisfying her orally. Outside of the BJ issue, the sex is great and regular.

Watching porn isn’t doing it for me anymore, and my craving for oral is coming to, well, a head. What are the most common reasons why some women don’t like giving head? What is the best way to approach those issues and hopefully move past them? Should that not work, is it horrible to secretly turn to an escort to have that need fulfilled? If it comes to that end, are any websites better than others for finding “reputable” professionals?


A: An unwillingness to reciprocate in the bedroom is an all-too-common problem for a lot of couples, and it’s pretty much always about oral sex. There are plenty of dudes out there who won’t go down, either, or won’t go down unless they think they’re getting some head in return. There are few things more unappealing than a guy who goes down for a few obligatory tongue swirls and then flips over, folds his hands behind his head and expects you to enthusiastically face-dive onto his erection.

Beyond that, there could be a few different reasons why your girlfriend isn’t into giving head. Her gag reflex might be really sensitive. It sounds like a cop-out, but it’s a legitimate problem for some people. Gagging can lead to dry heaving, which can lead to vomiting, and it might not be worth the bother for her. She might hate the noises. The slurping, the licking and the gagging can be a turn-off for some people who prefer their sex a little more romance novel than hardcore skin flick.

I think the most common reason both men and women are hesitant to head south on their partners is a lack of know-how. She might be more inexperienced than you realize, which makes her hesitant to hone her skills on you. Encourage her to use her hands (or other parts of her body) on you. Suggest lying down on your sides in a 69 position so she’s more comfortable exploring your parts while you’re lapping away at hers. Try taking P-in-V off the table completely for a while so you two can focus on all the other ways to please each other.

It’s also possible that she had a crappy boyfriend before you who told her that she sucked at giving head, so she doesn’t want to set herself up for another ego blow. Getting criticized sexually by your partner can cut pretty deep, and that might explain why she shuts down when you bring it up. Really, there could be any number of reasons why your lady doesn’t like giving head, but she’s the only one who can narrow it down for you. To use some female terminology, tell her it’s important that you sit down and talk about it openly, because it’s starting to create a barrier in your relationship and you can feel yourself starting to pull away.

I’m not going to tell you how to cheat on your girlfriend with an escort. I’m as big a proponent for making prostitution safe and legal as I am for honesty and trust in relationships. Three-and-a-half years is an investment, but it’s not a lifetime. I use the word “deal breaker” a lot in this column for a reason; if not getting blow jobs is too much of a compromise for you, or giving them is too much for her, then spare yourselves the rejection and resentment that’s to come and go your separate ways. You’re looking for a loophole to be with other women, which means you’ve already got one foot out the door. Be an adult and have a discussion with your girlfriend to determine if you need to swing that other foot around and start walking.

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