Punxsutawney Phil was accidentally dropped on his head on Groundhog Day this year, and you know what I say? Serves him right! That’s what he gets for being the harbinger of gloom, damning us with yet another long winter. Sure, this week was nice with a couple of warmer sunny days to melt some snow, but as Minnesotans we all know it won’t last.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Why the hell is Alexis talking about the weather?” Well, watching the sunshine reflect off my salt-colored car and listening to the drip-drip of melting snow as it leaks through the roof of my apartment has me longing for 50-degree days and confusion over whether or not a hoodie is gonna be warm enough. So I did some early spring cleaning of my inbox this week. Here are a few masturbation questions that have been collecting dust because I couldn’t come up with a way to answer them.
Q: I love masturbation and like to do it at least three times a week. Please provide some advice regarding advanced methods of male masturbation if possible.
A: I love this question. Not because I have any profound advice, but because I like the idea of advanced masturbators. Like, you’re browsing through the community adult education packet that comes in the mail (every spring!) and you come across a list of classes under the Masturbation category. “Intro to Touching Yourself”? No, no, you’ve been at this a while so you know what you’re doing. “Solo Sex Is for Everyone”? Hmm, sounds promising but it’s doubtful they’re going to show you anything you don’t already know. “Severe Masturbation With Props: This Gas-Powered Vibrator Goes to Eleven.” Aha! Just the tutorial you’ve been looking for.
I always say that if it feels good and doesn’t hurt anyone, including you, then go for it. Stuff some anal beads in your butt and pull them out slowly as you orgasm. Slip on a vibrating cock ring or don some nipple clamps. Tenga makes a nifty little item called the Flip Hole. It’s a masturbation sleeve that opens on a hinge, and inside it is a bunch of silicone bumps and curves for ultimate stimulation. It’s submersible and therefore easily washable, which is nice because it supposedly gives incredibly intense orgasms. Have fun and try not to get any on you.
Q: Why am I addicted to pleasuring myself? I like prostate stimulation to produce tasty pre-cum, and then later the full course. About a tablespoon full. I do this almost every night. Is there something wrong with me?
A: See above sentence regarding doing whatever feels good as long as nobody gets hurt. Also, I’ve received multiple questions from dudes just like you who like to snack on their own semen so, no, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s certainly not everyone’s cup of, er, tea, but if it works for you then keep at it.
Q: I’ve tried several times to eat my own cum, but like most, I can’t do it. I enjoy watching men do it on the Internet, but what I find most erotic is when a woman is masturbating using only her fingers and she takes her pussy juice on her fingers and sucks all the juice. My question is do you think women enjoy this? And what percent do you think do it?
A: The first-quarter numbers for 2014 on women who like to lick their fingers while they masturbate haven’t been released yet, but they look inconclusive so far. Seriously, there’s no way to know how many chicks dig that. Clearly there are some, though, or else you wouldn’t be telling me how much you enjoy watching them do it.