Alexis on the Sexes: Rub it off

ALEXIS MCKINNIS , Vita.mn | Updated 2/26/2014

Why isn’t his semen more like a lotion?

Q: A while back my wife and I were having some great sex and, as she was not on the pill, we were incorporating the withdrawal method, which I prefer to wearing a condom any day of the week. After I pulled out, I unleashed a large load on her ample chest and figured I would rub it lotion-like onto her, assuming that it would sink in. But, to my dismay, it became a thick white slurry. She was not impressed with the mess and accused me of watching too much porn (umm … busted).

I know that a guy’s load can change from day to day, but I was wondering if the reason porn-star sauce can get rubbed in has to do with vasectomies, which I assume most of them have. Does a lack of sperm in the cocktail change the consistency? Either way, I don’t think I’ll be trying that again, as it wasn’t the erotic thrill I expected (though massaging some C cups is always a good thing). Thanks for being the best sex writer the country has ever seen. I mean that by your beauty and your writing talent, by the way.

 

A: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, partner. Withdrawal is not a totally effective method of birth control. According to Planned Parenthood, of every 100 women whose partners use withdrawal, four will become pregnant each year if they always do it correctly. Sperm from a previous ejaculation can stay in the urethra and get picked up and carried out by pre-ejaculate when you become aroused again. Even a little spillage of semen onto the vulva can result in pregnancy. It’s all those little suckers are designed to do, and they’re pretty determined at it.

Regarding porn stars getting vasectomies, I have found zero data to support this, just a bunch of non-credentialed meatheads spouting off about it in a handful of online bodybuilding and pickup artist forums. I did find some legitimate information regarding female adult film stars using hormonal birth control, though. That seems more feasible, considering it’s a less permanent way to keep from getting knocked up on the job and still be able to make a baby sometime in the future (reversible vasectomies have about a 30-50 percent success rate). Also, most adult film stars — save for actors in certain fetish subgenres — are of child-rearing age. A healthy young man or woman who doesn’t already have kids isn’t likely to opt for sterilization.

You’re right about vasectomies decreasing the viscosity of semen, though. The fewer sperm present, the less thick the final product will be. This could certainly account for porn stars having thinner ejaculate, since popping off multiple times is all in a day’s work. Considering porn is not what you do for a living, and assuming you don’t have sex and/or masturbate to completion several times a day, your semen is going to be thicker with sperm. Also, since porn is not what you do for a living, you might not want to try everything you see in the movies. The boob-shot backfired on you and it sounds like your wife was annoyed. Some things should simply be discussed beforehand, while others should be left strictly to the professionals.

Hey, can we talk about the two spaces between sentences thing? It’s not a thing! Not since the 1970s, when monospaced type was phased out, ending the need to add extra room at the end of a sentence to indicate a pause. Whenever one of you two-space bandits sends in a question, I have to go through and cut all the extraneous space. Think of the seconds you would have saved all these years if you only hit that spacebar once!

Finally, a big thank you for the compliments. I appreciate them, and I appreciate each and every question that arrives in my inbox. Keep them coming, but please spare me your extra spaces.

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