Alexis on the Sexes: Cheat & tell

Vita.mn | Updated 8/27/2014

The risks of pre-wedding home-wrecking.

Q: Over the past several weeks, I had a great, no-strings-attached sexual relationship with a co-worker. Our fling is done now, but we were both super attracted to one another, got along well as friends, and were always mutually satisfied in the bedroom (and shower, sofa, kitchen counter, etc.). The one problem: They’re getting married to someone else in less than a month. I feel terribly guilty about this. I’ve had my own serious relationships fall apart due to my partners’ infidelity, and I know the absolute soul-crushing agony that being cheated on causes.

I believe that the fiancé has a right to know, but don’t know if it’s my place to share. By keeping them in the dark, I am saving them the embarrassment of calling off a wedding and the devastation of finding out that the person they’re in love with has been unfaithful. But it still feels wrong to knowingly let another person marry someone who has cheated. Do I leave the two of them to their happily ever after or do I tell all?

 

A: Wait, so let me get this straight: You feel guilty sleeping with an engaged co-worker weeks before they are to be married, and you would like to assuage your guilt by inflicting “soul crushing agony” on the unsuspecting fiancé? You’re kind of a monster.

First of all, coming clean in this situation does not absolve you of any of your actions. You knew your co-worker was engaged. You don’t mention it above; however, it’s roughly 99.9 percent unlikely you had no clue that someone you work with is about to be married. You see this person on the daily! What you did mention is that you’re also friends with this individual. Readers, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t getting married one of those big life events that friends might talk about? Despite how cheating has apparently ripped apart your heart and soul on multiple occasions, you still shrugged your shoulders in the face of infidelity and said, “To hell with it, I’m getting laid.” Awesome, man.

Your priorities are transparent. You wanted to have sex, so you did. You kept doing it because it made you feel good. Now you’re starting to feel a twinge of guilt about sexing someone else’s baby, so you’d like to shake off that icky feeling by potentially destroying and humiliating someone else. Oh well, at least your conscience will be clean, right? You probably won’t feel so good around the workplace once you spill the beans, though. Your friendship with your bang buddy will be completely over. Your co-workers, if they don’t do it already, will refer to you as a home-wrecker (or worse) behind your back. I don’t know what kind of job you have, but I can’t think of a single place I’ve worked where an employee affair was truly a secret. Everyone knows. Tattling about your own indiscretions won’t turn you into a hero in anyone’s eyes. Unless you plan on getting a new job and acquiring a new batch of friends, you keep your mouth shut.

I’m also fairly certain you’re facing the reality that all that table-shakin’ good sex is about to come to an abrupt halt, and you’re pouting about it. Your co-worker-with-benefits is cutting you off because the big day is coming, am I right? It stands to reason that someone who thinks it’s OK to cheat on their fiancé would be someone who thinks staying loyal once they are married absolves them of any previous crimes of the heart. Heck, the two of you should just get married instead. It’s pretty much a morals match made in heaven, and just imagine the debauchery at the bachelor/bachelorette parties! I’m just kidding; don’t try and marry this person. And from now on, you keep your nose and libido out of other people’s marriages.

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