Alexis on the Sexes: Shave me
Q: I am a late-40s-ish male who enjoys strong, dominant women. I am a fool for a woman in fishnets, stilettos and over-the-elbow latex gloves. Women who shampoo me and force me into servitude (personal shampooer and leg shaver) by discipline, etc., really turn me on. You would never guess this about me, a hockey player type. What percentage of men do you think "suffer" from this intermittent fetish? How do I find a woman who will domme me like this (but not a steady diet thereof)?
A: First, let's get the terminology straight: If it's only an intermittent desire, then it's not a fetish. A fetish is an unapologetic, can't-get-off-without-it need for a specific item or scene. My dictionary defines fetish objects, either real or fantasized, as "psychologically necessary for sexual gratification." Some common fetishes are not unlike yours -- stockings, lingerie, shoes -- but it doesn't sound as if your enjoyment of erotic encounters is dependent on these things.
What you've got is a kink of the submission variety, and you're far from alone. I've got no hard numbers for your inner statistician, but it's safe to say that most men and women are open to at least a little experimentation with your brand of role playing, dominance and submission (or "D/s"). Safer yet to say that a woman already acquainted with being a domme is probably going to be cool with being shaved and shampooed by you. This type of grooming is often status quo in D/s relationships, along with other things you might enjoy, such as dressing, sponge bathing and giving pedicures.
So how do you find that part-time mistress of your dreams? Most easily, by simply discussing D/s scenarios with your next partner. It's your sex life and you deserve a good one, so be selective and don't settle for someone who might pass judgment because she's sexually immature or unwilling to try something new. A caring partner won't mind donning fishnets and bossing you around once in a while. One caveat, though: Once you find the right woman, you might also find yourself wanting a steady diet of domination, so make sure you're both open to that possibility.
If you're into Internet dating, ALT.com is still the king of kink when it comes to personals sites. From its profile questions to its community forums, ALT is tailored to a kinkier lifestyle, regardless of where you are on the sexual spectrum. Also, MyDommeSpace.com is a MySpace lookalike site that describes itself as "a community for dominant women and those who worship them." Create a profile, add friends, chat, post bulletins; you know the drill.
Craigslist may be a viable option elsewhere, but after 30 minutes of combing our local "w4m" and "m4w" sections for you, I can't say I recommend it here. Not only is the male-to-female ratio extremely unbalanced, but a classy domme looking for a genteel sub likely wants one who not only possesses spelling abilities, but the good manners to refrain from posting photos of his engorged penis for just anyone to see.
Funny sex quotes: Congrats to Vita.mn user turnipgurl, who won an autographed copy of Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthology, "Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica." I asked readers to submit the funniest thing they've heard during sex, and she killed me with "Sorry, I took a mud bath in Europe, I've pretty much been leaking sand for like 10 days."
Reader Jean Marie gets an honorable mention for overhearing her elderly neighbors arguing through the paper-thin bedroom wall of the apartment she shared with her boyfriend. "I wanna do it like they're doin' it!" followed by "They're kids, we're old, we can't do it like that!" is probably the last thing you want to hear while grooving to a morning sex session. And Shawn had an equally mood-killing moment with "Aaah! Your damn dog just licked my ass!" An exclamation that, really, requires no further explanation.
- Alexis McKinnis is dying for your advice question about sex, dating or relationships. Send it to advice@vita.mn or post it discreetly via her blog at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out any juicy details!
