Alexis on the Sexes: Dirty work
Q: I have a secret crush on one of my co-workers. Christmas is on the horizon and I'm thinking I'd like to get her an intimate gift of some kind, most likely lingerie. It'll be anonymous, obviously -- I don't know if I'm quite ready to make such a bold statement of intent. So, is this in bad taste? Is something like that OK or would I be getting myself into something dangerous? If I'm interested in telling her I'd like to pursue a strictly sexual relationship with her, what would be the best way to go about it? Is there a best way? I know that getting into things with co-workers is perilous, but I am very attracted to this woman.
VERY ANONYMOUS, 30
A: I realize that, in your head, this scenario plays out in the most romantic of ways: She opens the box and lifts up the lingerie, holds it to her chest and commences rubbing herself all over and moaning (then stops, of course, because she's at work and people are starting to stare). Then you saunter up to confess your secret crush and the two of you hustle to the nearest vacant restroom for some office afternoon delight.
However, none of that will happen, because you're not going to give your co-worker sexy lingerie. Here's why:
• First and foremost, an anonymous gift of a very sexual nature will most likely creep her out. I'd think it was weird if a stranger sent me racy underwear, and I write about sex for a living.
• You have no idea what her size is. Even if you can eyeball a 6 or an 8 dress size, you might be clueless as to whether she's a 32 or a 34 up top. Also, like everything you buy off the rack, sizes will vary from maker to maker.
• You also have no idea what she's into. We ladies like to express ourselves with our underthings because they're intentionally hidden from the public and only displayed in private. She may wear pink floral dresses around the office, but her sex life could be all black latex and brushed stainless steel.
• You don't know her body issues. Nearly every girl's got 'em, and they can be pretty prohibitive when it comes to wearing the most revealing of clothes. Lights on or off, she might be too self-conscious about her butt to even consider wearing a thong.
• Maybe your co-worker is open-minded about the gift and can't wait to take it home so she can wear it ... for somebody else. How do you know she's not already involved? Some people prefer to keep their private lives far away from the office.
More often than not, folks steer clear of romantic relationships with co-workers. It's tricky enough being friends with benefits because feelings of attachment inevitably develop. Factor in a shared workplace where you're both captive, and things get even more complicated. Also, try as you might to keep the sex a secret, the rest of the office will still find out, and suddenly your business is the break-room topic du jour, every jour.
If you're still determined to hit that, don't go about it anonymously. In fact, do the opposite by making yourself familiar. Chat with her on a regular basis so that even when she's not at work, she remembers a story you told or a joke you made. Let her get to know you enough to trust you, then test the waters for mutual attraction. Touch her casually when you talk to her and see if she recoils or returns the gesture. Does she flirt with just you, not everyone else at work?
Take her out for dinner and drinks (less weird than lingerie) and come on to her. Be straight about just wanting to screw, no strings attached, and see if she bites. If she's not into it, laugh it off with "it was worth a shot" and get back to business as usual. At the very least, you might get a pity bone at the end of the night. Here's hoping she's into it, and you get to buy her that hot lingerie for Christmas in the right size, style, color and kink.
- ASK ALEXIS: Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating or relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn, and don't leave out the juicy details.
