Bad in bed

| October 10, 2012 - 5:59 PM

Q: I'm a lousy lay. I've come to realize that I am shockingly ignorant about how to show my wife a better time in the sack. How on Earth can sticking your dick in there and thrusting away be any fun for the girl? It hasn't been for my wife. She never comes that way. But others seem to derive pleasure from such a docking maneuver, so maybe I am doing it wrong? She only comes when I use my thumbtip and a bit of lubricant. It's quite effective, but it got old a long time ago. She hates cunnilingus, so that is not an option. We've done bondage, but this has been mostly to please me and not her. I want to please her. I'm up for anything, anything at all.

A: The "docking maneuver" that is missionary sex doesn't get the job done for most women. It is essentially just in-and-out action with kissy-face time. There's not much clitoral stimulation, so it can be more emotionally intimate than erotic.

The first thing I suggest is a vibrating ring. It's a soft, flexible ring that goes around the base of your penis with a vibrating knob that lines up with your wife's clit. It's a good first step from plain ol' missionary, and an easy way to find out if she's receptive to toys. Another simple variation is to have her lift her hips and rest her ankles on your shoulders while you're more upright with your knees bent. It's easier to hit her G-spot, and your hands are free to rub her clit and nipples. Penetrate her fully and get a rocking motion going, without pulling out. From here you can experiment with all sorts of other positions, such as wife-on-top, reverse-wife-on-top, doggy-style and spoons. Even if you find it difficult to reach her clit in these positions, you're still mixing it up. Variety equals brain stimulation equals arousal. Take time in each position to feel the different sensations for both of you.

There's plenty of role-playing beyond bondage. Maybe your wife is harboring a secret passion for the UPS guy or fantasizes about being a powerful CEO rendered helpless by her assistant. Ask her to tell you about other men she thinks about. It takes more than a caress or two to get a woman thinking about sex, so use your imaginations. If either of you isn't comfortable role-playing, then lead up to it with dirty daytime texts, phone calls and erotic chatter accompanying a warm-up massage. If you encounter something either one of you doesn't care for, back off and go in another direction. Right now it should be about exploring sex, not pushing boundaries.

This is on the bold side, but you said you're willing to try anything. Have you heard of a sexual surrogate? This is a person you invite into your bedroom for the sole purpose of showing you how to please your partner. Obviously both of you need to be OK with it, but it's worth a discussion. A quick glance at Adult Friend Finder and OKCupid yielded several men and women looking to be a surrogate. Just use your Spidey sense. Interview via e-mail first, interview in person without your wife, then arrange a meeting for the three of you in a safe, comfortable place.

What's your wife doing to help remedy the problem? Is she just as clueless about how to please herself? Would you say you have completely open communication about sex? Years after you first banged her, you're still not sure how to do it right. That's a problem for college-aged couples who are still afraid of the vulnerability of expressing sexual desires. You're way past that. You should be able to fully confide in one another without feeling ashamed or fearing you'll be alienated by the other.

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